Living with the beast.

Living with the beast of Attention Deficit Disorder sucks. I hate being on medication and off it at the same time. This may confuse but I will try to convey my true feelings about it so you can understand. I have had A.D.D. since I was in 5th grade. I was diagnosed after my grades began to falter in middle school. I didn't like the idea of seeing a "therapist" or whatever he was called, but I went anyways. He had me go through a few tests such as memorization and he tested my intelligence to make sure I didn't have a different disorder of some kind. He decided I needed medication. I was put on some small blue pill...it didn't work, so I was moved up to adderall...I got seizures from that so I was moved up to ritalin. That is what I currently take. I hate taking it. The reasons behind that are that 1. It makes me over think my life. 2. Makes me not eat 3. Makes me not sleep 4. I become depressing and super hyper focused on anything...not just on school work or goals or anything. Like for example, if I was on the computer searching for funny videos and was getting bored if I took that medication all the sudden I would be everywhere all over my computer looking for funny videos. Annoying! I also clean alot when I am on it (For those of you who don't know me, when I get upset I also clean alot.) I also don't like being off of my medicine. I get too care free and have the "Eff the world" type mentality until I take it. I am also very energetic so I don't sit still if I am not on it. Although when I don't take it I am also very confident and change my mind alot. But then again I do that when I am not on it...not purposely. I just don't want to be stuck doing something that I don't want to do in life or something that isn't fun. I need change, I will probably end up traveling and moving alot in my life. I don't mind. I just hope my kids have the same attitude some day when I have them. Anyways...back to the A.D.D. thing, Ritalin makes me really over think things and makes me organize. I don't mind being organized, I just don't like trying to set plans for my life that I know I won't follow. But I do that when I am on the meds. I wish I was normal. I wish I could just turn focusing on and off like my boyfriend. He will just sit down and decide to focus on something and BAM! it happens like that. He just...focuses. I can't do that. I have to sit down decide to focus tkae my meds wait a half hour or so and thennn BAM! It's hard because he get frustrated when he and I are supposed to do homework and I sit there braiding my hair for a half an hour waiting for it to kick in. But what can you do? It's a chemical problem in me it's not mental that's what the doctor says so maybe someday they will find a "cure" for it. I should probably stop writing for now. I have to go write some lyrics for the band or else I may have some grumpy boys on my hands. Love and peace to all
♥ Sarah Light